Just so ya'll know, when I stay at my boyfriends place for a while, I won't be posting because he doesn't get the internet and there are no good unsecured networks in his complex :( Oh well.

Anyway... I'm at Starbucks right now and I'm waiting for my moms plane to come in from Oklahoma. It was supposed to be here at 8. It is now 745, but now they're not gonna be here until 945. Meaning I have a lot of time to kill. And I could have been with Anthony. BOO! lol

Last night, Anthony and I had such a bad fight. It basically started because my dad is an asshole, and Anthony said something that really hurt me, so when I got back home, I kinda bitched at him. It was so bad, and we were both screaming and yelling and oh my god... I was just in a not good mood (I'm clinically depressed) and I was going through a mood, and I was feeling like killing myself and I wanted to so bad because he was so mad at me and I said a lot of stuff...

I really don't want to relive it, but we are fine now. He wouldn't let me leave while in the fight cause I described to him how I would drive the car off a bridge and crash through the windshield... It was bad, and he didn't want me dead, so he held me all night long. And we talked for like two hours this morning and just relaxed. But its okay.

And then when I came up to Aurora, my mom was saying how the Linens and Things is going out of business, and I need extra long twin sheets for school, so I went there and spent 64 bucks and some change... And what did I get??

One set of TXL Orange sheets
One set of TXL Dark Pink Sheets
Two green bath towels
A pack of 7 washcloths

I probably shouldn't have bought so much, but I need it and it was all so damn cheap I really couldn't pass it up!

And now I'm waiting. And because I am waiting, I am going to post some pictures so you can see me, Anthony, and all my piercings (I got 2 more in my left ear yesterday and they look SO hot! THey both keep getting caught in my fucking hair though and they HURT! Oh and I apologize, but the pictures of my new piercings are going to be blurry because I'm in Starbucks, the lighting sucks, and I'm taking the pictures myself. You'll get the basic idea :) )

( Just in case your computer is shit and will go slow because of pictures *coughSAMcough* )

Mom,

Seriously, I don't care what you have to say. I truly don't anymore. I used to come to you for comfort about anything and everything, and you knew about every single aspect of my life. That was when you used to give good advice. Now? All you do it preach about how you don't like Anthony and how you don't like him, or about how irresponsible I am with money (I fucking know that, thanks. I put myself in debt, not you. I KNOW I'm irresponsible), or how, since I don't spend enough time at home, I should just give my room to my dad and move out. Okay, seriously? Do you remember when you played that card two months ago and how bad things got between us? Do you remember that? How I thought you didn't want me anymore, so thats why I was going to move in with Anthony? Do you remember how you said that you never meant that and that you would never kick me out? Guess what, you're doing it now, and you're actually saying the words move out. You're saying them Mom, and I appreciate how loved you make me feel. I'm leaving for college in about a month. I will no longer be living under your fucking roof, and you want me out now? Thats just great, thanks a lot.

Do you want to know how bad its gotten now mom? Its gotten to the point where I will only go home when I know either you're at work or you're asleep! I ran into you with your boyfriend and my boyfriend at home the other day, and you can't even be civil. You just glare at Anthony and then bitch about everything I don't do. Which then your boyfriend starts to parrot back to me. NEWSFLASH: You're not my fucking father, and you have no right to tell me ANYTHING, esp. when you look at how your kids turned out asshole. Do not treat me like you have the authority to tell me anything. You do not.

I really hope that maybe you'll realize how far you've pushed me away from you. I don't know, maybe its just because I spent a couple weeks with Sissy last month, but everything that she has said now doesn't seem too far fetched. No, she didn't bitch about you, and when I would complain, she would talk to me, and she wouldn't encourage it. BUT then I talked to her today, and all we can see if how discontent you seem with your life. Are you so discontent that you're willing to lose yet another child? No, I'm not going to leave like Paul did mom, but with the way you're acting I don't even know if you want me around. With the whole avoiding thing again, maybe when I come home from college for breaks or long weekends, I won't even tell you about them so that I don't have to see you! You don't want me around anymore, so I guess I'll stop bugging you and let you get on with your happy life.

Love,
Ashleigh

Lately, I call home my boyfriends apartment. I am there most of the time, and I feel more wanted there than I do at my own home. It sucks, but thats just how it played out.

I am writing this to you here because I know you will never find it. I hope you never will. Mainly because I tell you everything I'm about to say all the time, and you never believe me. But I need to have it written down because then I can see if I truly am ridiculous for thinking what I think, or if my feelings are true.

I am a horrible person. You do not deserve the shit I put you through, and you need someone for you who is good for you. I do not deserve you. You are the single most perfect human being on the face of this earth, and because of me, you can't see that anymore. My feelings are that if you love someone, why do you treat them like shit? I really don't know. I love you with all my heart, and I need you more than you will ever know. It sucks that I'm so selfish because I know that I will never let you go on my own. You've told me time and time again that the only way we would cease to be together would be if I were to ask you to let me go, but that'll never happen. Sometimes, I just wish that you would look at me when I tell you that you deserve better and agree with me. Why? Because I know that that is the only way you will ever escape from me. I need you, and I'm so selfish that I'll never let you go.

Please, come to your senses. I don't care if you hurt me, I need you to be happy, and I'm horribly afraid that you will never be truly happy with me. Take my feelings into consideration. I love you, and I want what is best for you, even if you don't know what is the best for you.

Love,
Ashleigh

SO I haven't added a good new entry in almost two years, and this one probably won't be good, but at least its a start. I mostly come onto ljay to check on the hansonsecrets and the hanson communities, and my friend Sam's journal, but thats kinda it. I don't know, I'm not really the type of person that will share all my thoughts with people I know friend online, but sometimes thats how you meet your close friends...

For instance: In 2004, a show called Instant Star hit the-n and I fell in love with it. My best friend and I watched it together for a few episodes, but she didn't like it too much, so it eventually just became me and me alone. Somehow, I landed online and I found this fan board for Instant Star and I met Caitlin. We started chatting online and before I knew it, we were talking upwards of 2 hours a day. It was even worse when a new season would start. We finally exchanged phone numbers, and we would talk for hours. At first it was just about the show, but eventually, it became about our lives and our day and stuff like that. Then, about 11 months ago, I told her that I might be lesbian, and that I had a girlfriend. She is very religious, and while she said she didn't have a problem with it, I knew she did, and we kinda stopped talking. Every once in a while, we would comment each others myspace's or whatever, but it never got back to the way it used to be. The new and final fourth season of Instant Star aired on the first monday in June, and I knew I had to contact her. I texted her, and every night during the new episodes, we would text back and fourth about "OMG THIS!" and "OMG THAT!" I'm glad that I am finally able to talk to her again, but I know that it will never be the same. I've known her for four years now, and it hurts because its almost like losing a friend when they're still right there.

I guess you can meet friends in other random places too.

I went to my best friend, Nandita's, 18th birthday party that was a joint party with her friend Katie in January. There I met this girl Sam. She was very talkative and very outgoing, and the second she found out that I had a girlfriend, she was latched. I was a little freaked out, I'll admit it, but we exchanged phone numbers, and started texting. She turned out to like Hannah Montana, same as me, and we decided to go see the Hannah Montana 3D Live in Concert movie together. We would have had a blast, minus the fact that I spent the whole time fighting with my girlfriend, but she was a trooper, and wouldn't let my bitch girlfriend ruin the night. We ended up finding out that we both LOVE Hanson, and we blasted them all the way back to her house. On the way, she learned that I can get very into songs, and that when I do this, I have a tendency to almost crash... Esp. when singing "Where's the Love". We haven't seen each other in a little over two months, and it sucks, but we talk and text and IM, but hanging with her is a lot of fun because I actually get to hang out with someone who loves the same music that I do, which happens pretty much never.

God, all of this is such mindless blather, but it kinda got on my mind, and I had to share. Sure, no one will read it, but thats totally cool. I'm not writing for the comments. I'm writing to get it off my chest.

Oh, and for clarification purposes... I broke up with her in April, and have a boyfriend now. Just to make that 100% clear.